Every year around this time when the leaves start to fall, I start reflecting on the years that have gone by. I am in awe of the journey that I am on. I thank God that I found him when I did. I wonder how I ever made it through without him for almost 26 years!
My journey has had many rocks, valleys, and mountains to climb. Hey, I am still here, I have had amazing moments however, it has not been all sunshine either. There is a saying that I love it says, you can’t have a rainbow without both rain and sunshine.
As I reflect every year, I go through memories that sometimes I would rather not have. Specific details that I will not share here as they are packed in a suitcase and are being handled by God. We can just say I have been broken, abused, chewed up and spit out. Why? Well because I needed to go through all of that so I could hear and listen to God calling me to him and so that Jesus could fill me with the Holy Spirit. I needed to be empty before I could be filled.
Am I not 100% of who I want to be, or even who God wants me to be? NOPE! However, God loves me no matter what. He loved me when I was broken, abused, chewed up and spit out. And he loves me now, forever determined to be transparent and obedient.
Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace. 2 Corinthians 1:12 NIV
Some reading this might know that I live in chronic pain, and battle depression and anxiety. I have done so since I was 15 years old. God loves me no matter what. Does God want me to have chronic pain, depression, or anxiety and been battling for over 20 plus years? No! Can he heal me? YES and praise Jesus he has. Am I 100 % healed? Not yet!
From the moment I said YES to him, he started healing me. I felt it. I know that he could heal 100% at any time. However, God gives us valleys and rain. Like flowers need rain to grow. I have so many God stories of healing. Every day I am being healed because I said YES to his knock, and call.
Some people in this world feel that when you accept Jesus that everything becomes perfect. I found that it really is the same for a while. I accepted Christ on 10-24-2001 and on 10-25-01, I pretty much felt the same but different. My friend and Mentor Anita told me to share my story with anyone and everyone. Well that was weird, but I did it and the more I did it got easier. I also was more passionate. It’s been 15 years now and I love sharing my stories. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I feel like it pushes people away because they think oh she just wants attention. But I know God is using my life, my stories of his work. Because by sharing my God stories of healing and even the ones of extreme pain, I can look back and see where he has put the puzzle pieces of life together. Some of the pain, I still do not understand but I trust and have faith that he is constantly working.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Overcoming Pain both mental and physical is and will be a life long journey for me. But now I have hope. Before I knew of Jesus Christ, I was lost, I had really no hope. I couldn’t even imagine a life full of hope. Even through years of counseling, using street and prescription drugs to mask the symptoms. I never was happy or had Joy. Now with just knowing God, I have peace and hope.
Why me? Why pain? Why Physical and emotional abuse? Why? Well, because I can testify. I can share my stories so that others will know that they are not alone. Is it easy? NOPE! However did God have it easy? He sent is only son to die a painful death on the cross for me and you. For us. WOW, I am not worthy.
Life truly sucks sometimes. I often feeling alone, like no one truly loves you or that I am loved from a distance because I feel people don’t really understand. I am afraid to get close to anyone or schedule things because I might have to cancel. Ever felt this way. Well these are lies! I, and you are loved, we are not alone, and with God all things are possible.
For with God nothing shall be impossible. Luke 1:37
Some techniques, I use when I am feeling Satan’s lies.
Finding the positive in every situation.
The feelings of being loved from a distance. Positive- I am loved.
My health it’s not the greatest. Positive- I am still walking, serving, and living.
Searching the bible- Often when I am feeling a certain way, I will do a google search. What does the bible say about...? This returns many verses that give me hope
My most favorite technique is prayer. Prayer gives me purpose. I pray a lot. There is no wrong way to pray. I pray for others by writing there name down and then anything and everything about them.
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. “Isiah 12:2 NIV
This verse changed my journey and walk with Christ. After moving from the only home I knew in Vancouver, Washington to come to Kansas to be with family and start over. God placed me to serve with the Youth. I asked God are you sure? I can’t handle my own teen how am I going to minister and disciple other people teens. My friend, Pastor Mallori Seamon, brought this verse to me, while I was going through a trial with my oldest son. This verse consistently reminds me to trust God, to be still, and that I am not God, I are not perfect and God is my strength. God has used my trials to help me disciple not only youth but everyone I meet. God uses the good and bad in life to share his amazing news.
My Pastor, Sam Barber preached a while back on taking the next right step reminds me of taking one day at a time. We often hear from fellow Christians and the bible remind us.
Therefore, not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
I feel that as long as I continue to lean not on my own understanding but God’s will, that I will continue to grow in him. I feel God calling me to be like him, to be transparent, obedient, and to be who he created me to be in his image “to be myself”, and to not give up and to keep making those next right steps and giving Him the glory for all things. With that I will remain forever determined to overcome any trial that comes my way.
I love Jesus. I think my two daughters can change the world. I think you can too.
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