I love worship songs. I love singing to Jesus. I listen to Christian radio or Pandora on the way to work, on the way home, in the shower, doing chores, pretty much all the time. Besides prayer, worshiping is my favorite form of praising God. I get so excited when new worship songs are released that speak directly to my testimony.
There is a new song, Thy Will, on the radio by Hillary Scott -The Scott Family. Have you listened to it? No? STOP what your doing and go listen to it right now. Seriously, don't read any further unless you go listen to it. The lyrics are so powerful, so true, and everything I needed to hear a few weeks ago.
Last week I had to face my greatest fear-one of the things that I constantly struggle with. No, it wasn't a fear of heights, spiders(EEK!), snakes, or clowns, it was the fear of sitting down and talking face to face with my mom. You see, my mom is an alcoholic, and I have had to accept a harsh reality that due to this addiction, she loves alcohol more than me most of the time. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have talked with her in the last 4 years. There has been a lot of hurtful conversations and heartbreak, but slowly I had found some peace that I couldn't do anything to help her other than pray for her. I love her with all my heart, but I had to separate myself from her so I didn't enable her drinking.
Then a few weeks ago, I started feeling a tug at my heart that I needed to meet with her. I was so overcome with anxiety and confusion that I decided to sit down with my pastor. We talked about boundaries and the possibility of her shutting me out and not accepting what I had to say to her. I really couldn't imagine her rejecting me or my feelings, especially not an apology. I mean she is in fact my mom, right? Well, I tried, and she did reject what I tried to tell her, and it broke my heart. I was crushed again with the reality that my mom loved a substance more than she loved me. Then I heard this song. I was driving home from work and I had to pull over as I was so over come with emotion. The lyrics start out with:
"I’m so confused I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan"
It was like I was hearing someone narrate my life on a radio station. I knew I had heard the Lord loud and clear, I knew I was supposed to try to talk with my momma. My pastor and I talked about me apologizing to her for my faults within our relationship, because then I'm putting the ball in her court. I had prayed and prayed and prayed for her to accept my apology and to say she was sorry, or at least give me some sort of motherly love. I ended up broken, confused, and upset as to why the Lord would put me through that all over again. I sat on the side of the road bawling my little heart out, crying out to God for comfort and understanding. Then I heard this part of the song:
"Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not So
Thy will be done"
Woah. Huge punch straight to my gut. I really thought I had been relying on God through this, but I realized I hadn't been trusting him with every possible outcome, only with the one I wanted. I wasn't trusting that He knew what was best for my mom, and for me. I instantly stopped crying and felt that peace that I had been searching for over the last 4 years. Psalms 3:3 came straight to my head;
"But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high."
I felt God's arms around me in that moment, reassuring me that He is carrying me through this, I was not alone.
As I kept listening to the song, the chorus repeats Thy Will Be Done a lot. But I needed to hear it about 10 times before I started actually thinking about His will, his pleasing, perfect, and good will. While I have no idea what that entails or what it looks like for me, but I am 100% confident that He has things planned for me, GREAT things, that I couldn't even begin to dream about. I believe that He is not done with my mom yet, and He is certainly not done with me. I have hope for my mom, even if we never have a relationship here on earth, I'll keep praying for her to open her heart to Jesus and to the free gift of grace. Maybe His will entails my mom reaching out to me someday, thankful that I tried to mend things with her. Maybe it's that she just needed someone to remind her that there are people who still love her. Maybe we will never have a relationship, but God is using this moment to allow me later down the road to help another young girl going through the same thing. Maybe I will never know why she turned me away until I face my Maker in Heaven.
Thy Will Be Done- His perfect will. As I kept listening to those words, I kept being reminded of what He has already done in spite of my mom not being a part of my life right now. I am blessed to have a fantastic, Godly mother-in-law whom I love dearly. And in the last 4-5 years, I have had many women come into my life who have been my "surrogate moms". These women have prayed for me, loved on me, supported me, cried with me, cheered me on, and made sure that I didn't feel like I was motherless. I think I have taken them for granted, forgetting that God put them in my life for a reason. I was so focused on the fact I didn't have a biological mother caring for me, that I couldn't see that His plan was to put all those amazing women in my life when I needed them.
The lyrics go onto say "I know you see me, I know your hear me Lord". I am realizing now how true that is, all the time. I felt so far away from Him, because I was not trusting in His will, not trusting that He was right there beside me. I was only trusting that He was going to do what I wanted, not trusting 100% in His plan. I'm learning to trust Him now entirely, trusting that His will is perfect and remember that He is always in control.
I love Jesus. I think my two daughters can change the world. I think you can too.
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