Wall of Faith: Amberly and Cadence : Friends

Amberly

Remember when you were a little kid, and you’d watch those TV shows where there were two inseparable best friends who would do anything for each other and were always seen together? Where you know if you saw one you’d see the other? Those two friends who finish each other’s SANDWICHES….I mean sentences…and sometimes you wondered if they were siblings that were separated at birth and somehow had different parents?

I remember. Some of my favorites were all from Disney Channel shows. Or Harry Potter. Or Lord of the Rings. Or really cheesy Rom-Coms where there’s always a best friend whose kind of just hanging out in the background while she watches her best friend in the entire world fall in love. Or Shawn and Gus from Psych, or Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, or the Doctor and whichever companion he’s dragging around at the time….the list goes on and on, y’all get the idea.

When I was little kid, I remember seeing all these friendships and going, “Man. I want a best friend like that. One I can’t imagine myself without, one who would be by my side at my wedding, one who would send the guy who breaks my heart to jail, one who would always stand up for me and yet pick on me relentlessly. One who keeps me strong in my faith, encourages my passions, is patient with my flaws and imperfections, who knows me inside and out and yet loves me all the same, who trusts me with their deepest darkest secrets and shares their hearts’ desires with me.”

Sounds like a pretty tall order to fill, doesn’t it?

Fast forward to 2009, where I (bubbly, neon colorful, outgoing, awkward and obnoxiously loud yet adorable little kid) am shoved in a corner with board game and told to play with Cadence (awkward, shy, emo-punk rock kid in black and red checkered skinny jeans who is looking at me like I just stepped out of Alice in Wonderland.)

Can I just take a second to mention that the creator of Quirky Faith is the one who shoved us in that corner with a board game and told us to talk? She gets all the blame for this. Maybe she knew we’d write a blog about later as adults. Who knows?

Anyway, life was never the same after that. We quickly became friends…well sort of. In reality, we really couldn’t stand each other but to some extent we knew we needed each other. My extremely bubbly happy go lucky extroverted personality severely clashed with her extremely quiet, judgmental introverted personality. But regardless, we made it work for about 4 years. We spent the night together at each other’s houses, had birthday parties together, stood next to each other caked in pounds of makeup for our Easter musical, fought hard together and laughed hard together.

That is, until boys came into the mix. Girls, let me just say…never let a guy come between you and your best friend. I know it’s said a lot in TV shows and movies, and it’s a bit cliché, but it’s true; Just, don’t.
For three years, I fell to the trap of letting a guy come between me and the person I had found myself calling my best friend. For three years, she didn’t hold that title in my mind anymore. I still regret that to this day. I am not with that guy anymore and if she hadn’t been so kind and forgiving, I would be without a best friend, too.
It took a couple years after that for our friendship to rebuild. We’ve known each other for 9 years. Four years of that, we were best friends. Three years we were mortal enemies. The last two years? We’ve both been through trials and tribulations in our personal lives. Moments where we were at our lowest. We’ve both been through great victories. Moments where we were standing all alone on top of our mountains of whatever temporarily amazing thing we had accomplished. We graduated from high school, went separate career paths, started jobs, had multiple friends come in and out of our lives. Made great friendships with others but none were quite the same. Despite the fact our personalities were basically World War III when they’re in the same room, we still never could find that same connection.
Who came to my rescue? The very person I had forgotten I needed…Cadence. And all it was, was a simple, perfectly timed text message asking if I wanted to hang out. And from that moment forward, we are back to being inseparable. We have learned so many lessons in our time apart, that I know this was all in God’s timing. Even though I regret pushing her away for all those years, I know God was preparing my heart for the friendship we have now. Yes, we are polar opposites. Yes, we are both stubborn, opinionated, and passionate about almost completely different things. Yes, we can’t agree on the same music to save our life. But, amidst all of that, we hold each other up. We fill in the gaps in ways the other can’t. We have the same, loud, obnoxious squeaky laugh. We can make each other laugh so hard we cry. We cry with each other, hold each other, and remind each other who we are in Christ. We’re honest with each other, we best express our love in being jerks to each other, and we know each other’s boundaries.
I don’t know where I would be without this girl. She brings out the best in me, keeps me grounded, brings me joy, and throughout the 9 year roller coaster of our friendship she has been there for me without fail. Even when I forgot she existed, or replaced her with another best friend, or disrespected her opinion or advice, she still stuck around, forgave me, and continues to be an irreplaceable human being in my life. We can go weeks without seeing each other, and yet when we’re back together you’d think we’ve never been separated. But we both make it a point to invest in each other. Checking in on each other twice daily, not taking “I’m fine” as a valid answer, and pushing each other to overcome our struggles and encouraging each other in our strengths.
I could go on and on, in fact I’m finding it extremely difficult to write a conclusion for this post. Maybe because there is no conclusion.
I don’t have any profound thoughts except for this – don’t take your friends for granted. Don’t. Invest, appreciate, sacrifice, and enjoy whatever time you have with the people in your life.

“The strong bond of friendship is not always a balanced equation; friendship is not always about giving and taking in equal shares. Instead, friendship is grounded in a feeling that you know exactly who will be there for you when you need something, no matter what or when.” ~ Simon Sinek
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Cadence

I would like to start my section being honest; when Amberly mentioned “a simple, well-timed text message” asking if she wanted to hang out with me, the only reason why I had texted her was because the friend I originally was going to hang out with cancelled last minute, and I had about 2 hours to kill before college small group, so I texted Amberly and asked if she wanted to go for coffee or something. This was only a few months ago. Now, we’re closer than we’ve ever been and we’re both equal amounts of effort to keep our relationship strong. I think it’s funny that we’re closer now because I used her as a back-up plan for my socialization LOL. Well, now that you got a summary of Amberly and I’s friendship, my contribution for this post will be tips and tricks Amberly and I have learned through experience on strengthening and maintaining our friendship. Granted, we’re both in our 20’s, so we’re not going to claim that we know everything about friendships. We just thought this could be somewhat helpful for others who struggled with friendships. Anyway, queue bullet list (dedicated to Amberly because she loves bullet lists)

• Understand that you have differences
  Everyone is different, so they value things more important than others. For example, I value ambition, cunning and determination more than Amberly, who values bravery, chivalry and honor more than I do (if you caught the reference I just made, I like you). Another thing Amberly and I have done that helps us with understanding each other is personality tests. I take way too many of them and take them way too seriously, but I find them to be very helpful. With the personality tests, you can get a general idea of your friend, priorities, how they cope with things, etc. Now, I pointed out that you can get a general idea because every person is unique, so not everything in the tests would perfectly summarize your friend. Everyone is different, so take the time to learn what your friends needs and wants. That being said, still take the time to get to know the other person; learn what will cheer them up when they’re sad, calm them down when they’re upset, how to break bad news to them, and how to have a good time together. To be honest, I still struggle with this sometimes. The big thing is that Amberly has multiple best friends. I’m learning to accept that Amberly is close with other people and wants to hang out with them and such, but whenever I see her post a picture of her and her other best friends, the possessive side of me takes over. But, it’s just who Amberly is, so I should accept that. And Amberly knows that I’m close with other people too, so I do my best to hang out with them too.
• Be willing to put in the effort
  This was one of the big issues Amberly and I struggled with when we were younger. Between Amberly having multiple best friends and her being more social than I was, I felt left out a majority of the time. I felt like I was putting in all the effort and I was getting nothing in return. I would talk to Amberly about it, we would end up getting into a fight and not talk to each other for months. Then we would make up and become closer. Than the whole cycle would repeat. Having both side put in equal effort into the relationship is crucial to making the relationship work out. Learning what makes your friend feel loved and cared about really helps with this tip. Amberly and I use the Love Languages test to identify what makes us feel loved. I know it’s for married couples, but a lot of the content of that can be applied to any relationship. Knowing that, Amberly and I both value time together, words of affirmation and physical touch. Amberly and I came to an agreement that we would check up on each other twice a day, even if it’s “hi”, “hi”, “how are you?” “good. Really busy though, gotta go”. I find that more valuable than not talking at all throughout the day. We both have busy schedules, so we don’t always get to have long conversations, but just the simple “Hey girl! Hope you’re having a good day. I love you <3” means a lot to both of us, since it knocks out the time and words of affirmation. The next one is physical touch. Hahaha I can hear Amberly and my family laughing right now. They know I really don’t like being hugged or touched at all for that matter. Sometimes, I even have a hard time shaking hands when meeting someone for the first time. I have a personal bubble that’s about ten feet wide, and I get very uncomfortable when someone pops it. But I value physical touch because it’s special to me; I only let those closest to me, like my friends and my family into my bubble to share a hug. Amberly on the other hand…. She’ll hug anyone, with no hesitation. Since I trust Amberly, I’m fine with her constantly hugging me randomly or resting our head randomly on the other’s shoulder. It makes me feel safe and loved and special when I get hugged by someone I love and trust. That being said, learn what makes your friend feel special, and help them learn what makes you feel loved and special, too.
• Be understanding of struggles
  Life sucks sometimes. Yeah, I didn’t really sugar-coat that. Bearing that in mind, be willing to support your friend when they’re going through a tough time or even when they just have a rough day. School is extremely stressful for me, since I’m so close to graduating with my AA and moving upstate to go to university later this year. I try to let Amberly know whenever I’m having a rough day or I’m having my millionth emotional and mental breakdown that week. She also vents to me when she’s stressed or frustrated with something that happened at work. Tying this in with the previous tip about putting in effort, we both let each other know if we’ve had a bad day because it means a lot to both of us that one of us trusts the other enough to vent, even it’s something as simple as “I’m just really tired with everything right now”. We go to each other for the big things too, like a family member passing away or being diagnosed with a serious illness. Being sympathetic for the other person during the tough times will help build a strong foundation for you and your friend to build your relationship on. No one wants a friend they can’t trust or vent to, right? Connecting this is the first point, learn what your friend wants; a hug, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, support or advice. It varies with each person, and sometimes they’ll want a combination of those.  
• Be supportive of their goals
  I’m going to college to study biological sciences, to ultimately work in a cancer research facility. Amberly is working as a sales rep for a knife company and doesn’t really want to go to school. But, I do my best to support her at work (she told me she got two promotions already and she’s had the job for a couple months. Isn’t that awesome?! I’m so proud of my best friend. Cue cheesy happy tears), like she tells me how many sales she made that day or something like that. Amberly does her best to listen to me ramble about the coolest thing I learned in one of my science classes. When I get a bad grade on a test, Amberly cheers me up and encourages me to try again next time. Having your friend support you in your endeavors will increase the strength of your relationship. How you support them is up to what you and your friend like. If one of you posts a selfie and the other shares it with the heart-eyed emoji and “OMG LOOK AT MY BEST FRIEND GUYS LOOK AT MY BEST FRIEND”, giving them a gentle squeeze on the shoulder when they’re stressed, leaving little notes of encouragement in their bag or helping the pursue what they want. Just be supportive. If you support them, they’re sure to support you in turn. Nobody wants a friend that doesn’t support them, right?
• Keep each other accountable
  Nobody’s perfect. You and your friend are going to mess up. A lot. Amberly and I have, numerous times and in several different aspects of our lives. So, learn how to let your friend know when they’re doing something wrong or something you don’t like. Being transparent, I struggle with that. I have a tendency to call people out right then and there, no matter if we’re alone or in front a group of people. When I notice Amberly doing something that isn’t right, I’m learning to hold in my comments until we’re alone, where I can explain to her what’s going on without being a complete jerk about it.  Amberly knows to do the same thing with me. Doing that avoids a lot of fights and hurt feelings. Keep your friend on the right path with gentle comments and corrections, and they should do the same for you.